i need a new leaf to turn over. while somehow holdin on to the real me...no point in holdin on to past hurts n stuff in the end the person tt's hurtin the most is you.. came back on sun from batam wit ali!! :) somehow i feel better! redi to try n mk changes..now its the actual changes that i hv to stop procrastinatin on;p haha didi gave me a bk once.. with a frog on its cover i forgot wat its called.. somethin abt not proscrastinatin.. guess what.. its been years n havent gotten past the first pg! haha n i bet didi hasnt either..hehe

batam was adventurous.. we had NOTHIN planned..zilch! we were suppozed to head to KL but after considerin the time and everythin we felt it wasnt worth.. so we headed to batam instead..with no driver, no hotel, no idea of where the shopping malls were even! tho di's ma did her best to help wit the driver problem.. but we had fun tho.. din we baba!?!? jux took everythin as it came.. no real planning... shoppin and nails and lots of makaning...n haggling with taxi drivers..tho ali did most of tt.. and plenty of starin at ppl with confused looks since everyone knows my standard of malay! haha..there was even one driver who grumbled over pricing with ali then gave us a cheaper rate then wat we were askin for.. WHILE claiming that the price we wanted was too cheap.. funny la! haha oh n who in their rite mind can forget diamond shoppin center..or the taxi with the ice effect! haha i had fun ali..thank u so much for tt.. we'l do it again... maybe with abit of planning..at least shopping-wise nxt time ard;p

so anw..time to put me first and make changes that benefits everyone..especially ME! :) i hope dis works! hehe..yay me! hehe






lets find a way...bring me back to ytd..

i'm tired..life basically sux..ppl have bn disappointing..too high expectations on my part?!? nobody's perfect??? even the aboslutely puuurfect..deprived off sleep...puttin in extra hrs..ass due soon..havent started..clearin up dam proj mess..crash.burn..full stop?

i've been tired.. time seems to be runnin faster everytime i feel tt ive finally caught up.. i guess tt's partly my fault..we're nearin the end of the yr n yet i feel like i cant really catch my breath.. yet! so much has happened..if i could turn back time i would.. jus to mk things better..jus to mk things seem rite.. but at the end of the day..who can u really depend on.. who can u really trust...i cant even seem to depend on myself recently much less wish for others to care or understand..somewhere along the way..runnin thru dis yr..i seem to hv lost myself..n i dun really know how to find tt part i seem to hv misplaced.. where's my enthusiasm n happiness n love for practically everyone.. where's my trust n faith n hope... i always believed in the gd in ppl.. in holding on and striving for the best..now i feel like i only seem to see the bad first..why do feel like takin my heels n jus throwin it at every idiot who pisses me off... n tt seems to b practically everyone recently.. why do i feel so lost.. talkin to ppl like sara n alicia..juz talkin or gossiping or chattin.. n i feel better.. like i caught a glimpse of ME.. but somehow aft the phone's put down n the train's brought me hm.. the old me's gone again...or is it only my silly lopsided view...i dunno.. i dunno much these days...

when i was young..young-er i had this habit of jus sitting n watchin ppl sleep..my grandma, my aunt, my mum.. juz watchin n watchin n somehow makin sure they're ok.. i'd watch for the rise and fall of the chest.. or put my finger in front of their nose n feel for air..tryin to do all these without wakin them..n i would jus sit there til i was absolutely sure they were ok...n somehow tt would mk my heart feel better..safer..more secure... there was once i sat n watched my grandma for awhile.. i watched n watched n i jus din 'see' her breathin..and i started to cry...n my heart started poundin n i started shaking her and calling her over n over..n she woke up with a start..bcoz of course she was ok.. it was jus my over-active imagination...over the years i lost the habit..as we all do with silly kiddy things we used to do...once in a while i'd find myself doing it again..like wen i sat n watched sonkey n lemboo slp at the chalet... or held my grandma's hand n wathed her during wat i din know then was her last few days here...wen my lil baby icy was born..juz once in awhile...but recently ive caught myself doin it often.. wachin my mum as she slps...waitin for tt rise n fall.. i've even found myself watchin my lil devils while their sleeping.. n even doing the finger in front of nose test....n as i watch them i can feel myself holdin my breath...heart starting to beat a lil more rapidly...

i seem to b goin a lil mad...madder than i usually am.. but as sara would say.. i've always been mad! ;p...
i dunno where i'm goin wit all this nonsense.. but...
but.. i dunno.. as i said i dunno much these days...