me and ali are....
in the
AIRPORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yay yay yay!!!
we're on the way redi..
wish us well ppl!!
we are so gonna njoy ourselves
n go mad shoping neating.. n eatin n eating.. hehehe
see u guyz..soon..
sher i'll get u tt thai boy.. promise!!
mwuah! love ya

everythin's settled!!=D
wel almost.. xcept 4 my travel ins..
n the packin.. n the money changin..
but other than tt.. ;)

we're leavin on the 22nd.. be back on the 26th! haha cant wait!!
holiday..holiday!!!!
H.O.L.I.D.A.Y!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yay yay
YAAAAAAAAY!
it wuld make things sweeter if only i nd nt go for class aft landin at 4.. argh!
Bangkok here we come!!
here we come???
here we come!
haha
2 days to go!!
i cant believe hw fast its come!!
:)

down with fever, flu n cough.. urgh
doc gv me 2 days MC..
but i cant rest yet.stil struggling with the assignmnt tt's actually due..erm.
today! sigh..
anw, my mum gv me this card, kinda sweet..
with a prayer...

teacher's prayer
I want to teach my students how
to live this life on earth
to face its struggles and its strife
n improve their worth
not just the lesson in the book
or hw the rivers flow
but hw to choose the proper path
wherenver they may go
to understand eternal truth
and know the rite from wrong
n gather all the beauty of
a flower and a song
for if i help the world to grow
in wisdom n in grace
then i shall feel that i hv won
n i hv filled my place
n so i ask ur guidance, God
tht i may do my part
for character and confidence
n happiness of heart.

another day.

same old same old.

somethin's disturbin my mind.. n heart quite badly tdy.

so here i was comin up frm the escalator to the train platform n there was this blind uncle standing there. He was carryin this huuuuge bag n holding his stick..and he was saying somethin. Quite loudly in fact. n wen i walked past him i realised his actually sorta askin for help. prob was he was speakin in some dialect..mandarin i can manage but dailect.. i hv no clue.. n there was all this ppl ard him..a distance away.. but still ard him..jus lookin.i waited for a few secs..jus waitin for someone to bother..anyone..no one did..

so i stepped forward.. n i spoke to this uncle n he jus wanted to get down n out.. so i accompanied him.. i couldnt go out.. so i jus had to guide him thru the ticket gate n let him go.. i hope he's ok.. safe n sound.. the best part was tt he gv me the sweetest smile n said thanks.. n sorry for the trouble.. i jus felt like weepin.. in fact i can feel my eyes wellin up alrdy. i mean i din deserve tt thx..all i did was bring him to the gate.. he shouldnt have to ask for help.it should b given to him atomatically. such a sweet guy..pleadin for help n everyone jus looks on.. y?!?! is this the repect n love bein shown among everyone. wat if tt was me!?!?! YOU?! what if tt poor sweet guy was u.. travelling alone.. in a world of darkness.. only being able to communicate.. to "see" thru sounds n touches..how'd u feel.. u KNOW there r ppl ard.. u can hear their laughter.. u can smell their perfume.. u can feel them brushin past u.. but no one stops..no one bothers.no one cares.. in a crowded world yet still alone.. independent yet hving to depend.. but hving no one to depend on. how'd u feel. coz u nvr know..anythin can happen.. one day u mite nt b able to see the world.. n u mite nd some help.. but everyone will juz look on.

nt wanting to get into the mess..not wanting to get their hands "dirty"..
but keep in mind.. someday tt mite b u..

n for those of u who looked down on him.. he's a bigger person than any of u could ever be.. than I could ever be.. coz everyday, in his dark world.. everyday in his struggles..he finds hope to carry on.. n he passes his hope along.. in his sweet smiles n "thank u..sorry for the trouble"

i dunno y the attitudes of others pisses me off so badly.. i dunno why dis uncle seemed to hv touched my heart in someway.. i jus hope he's ok.. n hope to one day hv the courage he possess..coz honestly speakin.. if it was me, in a world of darkness.. i dunno hw id be.. n i wish him all the happiness in the world..

thank U uncle;)

Jus gt back awhile ago frm happy daze with my dear serene.
it was funny i was standing in front of "i love happy daze" n tellin serene.. im here im here.. jus outside... n she goes im outside too!! but mine doesnt hv i love! hehe..
was nice la jus sittin there gossipin.
like we dun gossip enuf everyday..we hv to do it at nite too! haha.
silly girl with her guilt-trippin.. hehe at least im nt workin tmr.. n she is!! HAHAHA!

so me n ali kinda settled for a trip at the end of june.
it's high time la.. kinda feelin alil run down.
a trip would boost my energy levels!!
unless ali's crazy shoppin makes me even more tired.. haha n tt has a very high chance of happenin!!
i was tellin ali tt itd b great if jules could come along..
its like we havent spent much.. actually any time
together for so long.. n we were together so often last time..
missing those times.. n jus the joy of their company..
i'll kp my fingers crossed tt ali will b able to persuade her to persuade her mummy n daddy
hehe..
a trip to bangkok..end of june!! haha.. feelin excited on and off.. haha..i hope it works out la..
jus hv to eat grass for awhile to save up.. hahaa
lucky i save on transport n lunch! haha.. oh n snack too..
we'l go we'l go!!
k la i better get some slp..assignment nonsense remuses tmr! argh!
been hvin dis stupid neck ache the whole day..its torturing me..
maybe i hv to go get more of the remedy my sch aunty gv me.. 100 plus! haha.. but it did work
alil wen she gave me in the mornin.. dunno la..
maybe it worked?!? mayb it was in my head?!! wateva la
as long as the pain subsides!
for now tiger balm's neck n shoulder rub will try its best.
nites ppl!

ps: sandra.. thx for the chat we had.. its like returnin to somethin well loved. jus talkin as if u were somewhere ard here.love ya my dear!

the few mins tt made my day..

i arrived at work dis morning..
walked to my class..placed my bag..
arranged a couple of things..
put my fone on silent..
started walkin back to the rm for assembly..
n there came my yantao..runnin to me with his arms outstretched.
all i could do was smile... n bend down..
n there came my joy..runnin at full blast..banging rite into me...
arms ard neck.. tight hug..awesome smile..gentle kiss..innocent laughter..
"LAOSHI!!"
haha.. n tt my darlins..was enuf to mk my day..

bn feelin odd lately..so down..
mayb nt recently..maybe its been awhile
like somethin's pressin me down..
sleepin at odd hrs..for hrs..
unable to slp when it is actually time to slp..
jus feelin tired..
sick n tired..
i dunno wats gotten into me..
but it seems to be goin round..
sonks is kinda outta it too..
argh!!

but then again.. sometimes it takes juz alil somethin small
insignificant to others..
to lift u out of tt rut..
even if it is for a few mins..
even if aft tt u fall back into the rut..
u somehow noe..tt there'l b other few mins..
sometime..somehow..somewhere..
im tired of this rut n i cant wait to get out..
love u my lil yantao..if only u knew wat ur sweet smiles do...

im sick n tired of being sick n tired!

somethin i heard on oprah. describes my feelings to a T at the mo.
sick n tired of coming home late.
sick n tired of the little time i get to spend wit my mum.
sick n tired of dragging myself to class after work.
sick n tired of dragging myself home after class to do more work.
sick n tired tt i feel this way
sick n tired tt im letting ppl i love slip outta my grip
sick n tired tt ive lost ppl along the way
sick n tired of waiting
sick n tired of listening
sick n tired of the weight on my shoulders
sick n tired of having to be strong
sick n tired of being a meanie
sick n tired of feeling this way.
sick n tired of the hrs escaping me.
sick n tired of all my dreams tt r resting.
sick n tired of pasting on my smile.
sick n tired of sharing.
sick n tired of caring
sick n tired of needing
sick n tired of opportunites fleeing me
sick n tired. sick n tired. sick n tired.
sick n tired of nt sleeping
sick n tired of sleeping
sick n tired of nt crying
sick n tired of bitchin
sick n tired of deadlines and assignments n exams.
sick n tired of being treated like an idiot
sick n tired of being sick n tired.

but then again im in a bring-myself-down mood.. i am untitled to it once in awhile..
im sick n tired of me
i'm sick n tired of u..
wil u help me pls argh!

tell me how..oh tell how hv i offended u..
holy week..

felt a sort of peace come ovr me as we went church visitin last nite..felt it again tdy i as i attended gd fri mass:) goin to church the past few days..sometimes i'm juz very awed n glad for the faith my mum has passed to me..tt this is my faith..

anw i really miss my yantao..havent seen him since tues n i miss him lots! miss his twinkly eyes.. n cheeky grin..miss hving his arms ard my neck..n his sweet lil kisses..miss the way he peeks at me..n him feeding me his twinkle twinkles..haha miss my kiddies..funny hw i wait n wait n wait for some time away frm them n when i am i really miss them..tho not all ;p haha jus miss hearin noise everywhere n hving to talk loud to get heard ovr their voices.. n the surprise hugz i gt frm my 'baby'.. n rulin ovr them! ;p hehe..

really miss su.. realli reali reali..havent heard her jokes n seen her 'irritatin eye' look.. missin serene lots too..n my aunties.. n ping.. n angela n joyjoy..realli miss ppl at work..but i'l b seeing them soon n will prolly b complaining abt too much work again.. haha.. its weird hw u go into a company or a settin nt knowin anyone there..n then u start buildin relationships n sharing ur life with these ppl.. i mean u see them practically everyday..spend almost as much time with them as u spend wit ur family..then u realise they ARE like family..they see u at ur worst(almost) they share ur joys n anger n fears.everytime u turn ur head u see one of them.u walk five to ten steps n u'd prolly bump into them. u give n take easily coz u knw tt's the only it'l work..u joke n laugh..u cry n moan..u completely go mad..yet they stil hv to b there.its not always gd times,hw cn it be wit so many women(wel, for me anywayz) workin in the same confines ;p hehe..we all hv our days.gd days,bitchy days,annoyin days,crampy days,depressed days,frantic days,lazy days,gossipy days,hungry days..but somehw we mk it work.haahaa. i luv it here.. n i luv them plenty ..there r the oddballs..but the majority r alrite..hehe

anw, wat am i doing up at this hr?!?! struggling with my dam assignment.. it's takin so long n im stil far behind.. n i cant really think of wat to write..but i mus get it done tonight! MUST MUST MUST.. cant drag it longer..should not anw.

sonks..my arms r rite here..*huGz* i desperately nd one too;)
sara..havent heard frm u for so long..for too long.. hope u're doin ok babe

hope everyone's hving fun in dreamland..argh!

sonks u betta bring me back tt ramly!! i cannot tahan redi!

missin u badly babes. or is it the green eyed monster in me being sad tt u r prolly hvin fun rollin ard on a bed somewhere with ash while im stuck sittin on my mum's bed tryin to start the dam assignment.. n MATH of all subjects! man! but nah.. i do think im actually missing u!!hope u're hving fun!! n rollin ard with ash was meant in a totally bro-sis kinda way.. or does tt jus mk it sound weirder..MWUAHAHAH..

i kp havin a sort of recurrin dream.wen im sleeping i dream of it.wen im awake i think of it.its always hangin ard.mockin me in a way..eesh! its the same sequence..goin to work, gettin stuck in the lift, callin su..no ans..callin another coll..yes an ans..she cant hear me.. the lift's movin suddenly..too fast.. upwards..approachin the roof of the buildin.open eyes..heart beating super fast.sometimes i wake up and go back to slp and its the same thing all ovr again..sometimes all of us in the lift are now in court fightin for our rites or somethin! i dunno la. i suppose its linked somehow to the lift incident.nicki(who was in the lift with me tt time) tells me im goin mad.. nim(who was also in the lift) says its final destination?!?!?! su(who was the 1st 1 i spoke to n cried like a mad lunatic to once i was out - a lunatic is some1 who is mad rite..so imagine a MAD lunatic-) says ive prolly developed a phobia. i dunno..its jus annoyin me..but im kinda thinkin she's rite. i step into any lift n my eyes r stuck on the numbers..my heart beats a few million miles a min.. i cant really hear wat everyone else is sayin ard me i jus laugh n nod politely feignin interest..im practically holding my breath till i come out..n i'm scared. beig completely honest, i'm scared.all the while the lift takes to go up and down, im actually terrified.i cant wait for the door to open again n im out there where its safer.

those of u who knows wat happened, can stop readin now..those who dun, i have to share..i cant help it im always thinkin of it.. i think its startin to drive me mad! so anw, my classes are held at a "wonderful" buildin in orchard.. i shall nt name any names. its"wonderful" n grey n is popular for all the sex tats supposedly happenin in the stairwells - nt tt i know anythin abt tt;p- so anw, the lifts in this "wonderful" buildin are always hving probs. its always jammin for a few mins n when u go up n down in it u can really feel the pressure in the lift-remember sara?!- so anw, on this one lucky nite a bunch of us get into a lift, after class, at 9.45 and end up comin out of it only at 11! the lift gt jammed! once the lift stopped moving, the ventilation fan stopped too. there was 15 of us in the lift.. FIFTEEN! it was hot and squeezy n we din hv air.. nobody heard us, nobody came to our aid. most of our fones had no network..we called the no given in the lift.. wrong no. we called our sch..ok they told us they'd get mantainence. so we waited n waited n waited.. 14 girls and 1 guy who i suppose worked in the building. so hot, he decided to take out the bulbs.left one coz we din wanna be in total darkness..still noone came..called the fire dept..gt transfered to the police.the mantainence came told us they couldnt find us..went floor by floor knockin n waitin for us to reply. found us..couldnt open the door. We were running outta air..water vapour everywhere..seriously EVERYWHERE.. the walls, the door. the water vapour was makin the walls cooler then our own bodies. my fren started hyperventilatin..couldnt breathe, felt faint. maintence guyz told sed to some1 else tt we were impatient. the guy in the lift himself started shoutin at them.. throat so dry..everyone sweating..everyone breathin harder..nobody could move..so constrained..so packed..so awful..so scared..dammit.i can actually feel it..typin abt it.. the images still so clear in my hear. mantainence sed they had to go to control rm..y couldnt they get us out?! wat happened? hey left us without even a single person reassurin us. ppl shoutin..jus wantin ans..ppl squatting feelin faint..call manainence again is it they say? someone's fainting..is it?finally they open the door, we're stuck in between.. my god thank u for the air. cimb down onto dustbin then jump off we're told.now i realise it's nt the correct procedure, the lift culd hv started movin suddenly n someone could hv been stuck in between.. or could have fallen thru the lift shaft frm the bottom, eventho there were ppl blockin it. jumped down..sat down.hands shakin badly..breathin seems difficult.everyone's dazzed and tired.n crying..faintin girl gets tended to. no one apologizes..no one calms us. uniformed officers tk our accounts n leave..most walk down the stairs on their own.. frm the 20 somethin floor.. i was dragged profusely refusing n on the verge of tears into a lift with a few of us and a fren's husband. i go down, tk a cab,su calls to chk if im ok..tt's wen i became the mad lunatic..she listens n mks all the rite noises, mks me feel safer.gt home sonkey called..heard me out..calmed my spirit..calmed my soul.. n tt my frens was the lift incident.. prolly nt the whole agonizin story..but the gist of it.. n this is wat i believe is causin my current lack of sleep..

sigh.. anw, my bro brought home a fren's cat(big kitten) ;p to help care for it while he attends a grandmother's funeral in some other country..poor thing's so lost n shy n keeps running away frm my sis.. n it runs after it's tail.. like a dog!! i swear it jus goes round n round n round.. n then.. dis is the funniest thing.. once it catches it, it sits there n sucks it.. at first i thot she was cleaning her tail.but then realized she was actually suckin it and it was puttin her to sleep. my sis sed she can hear the suckin sound some more! haha.. juz reminds me of some of the lil babies in sch who nd pacifiers and security blankets and pillows to slp.. n how they'l smell smell or rub the corner of the pillow.. haha this cat's tail is her security blanket!

in all this suckin excitement ;p hehe i dunno where i left my fone..forgetful me as always la! it'l turn up in awhile i think..hehe
lastly, i MIGHT hv annoyed sonkey somehow.. i hope i din sonk! really sorry abt tdy..see ya soon.. love ya tonness.. hope poor lil andrew's allergy clears up soon..you're still a handsome lil guy..allergy or nt! *mwuah*

it was sher's bday on fri! =D all i could do was send her my greetings n luv via sms.. would hv luved to give her a big hug..haha.. anw, happy birthday babe! hope u had an awesome day..miss ya! the crazy gal i met wen we were 14?!?! now TWENTY-THREE!! heehee...

Mahal kita! hope i got tt rite;p

ive been a bad..blogger..friend..daughter..sister..cousin..niece..
god-daughter..sonkey..longan(yes yes ali)..teacher..best friend.. i actually feel guilty.. all these ppl deserve my undivided attention and time..but unfortunately ive been unable to even give them even a resemblence of a normal relationship..a phone call.. a sms answered on time.. a chat that lasts longer then 15 mins..hugs..kisses..gossip..emails.

so to all u ppl, i am truly sorry. i promise to try harder..really.. nxt wk maybe? ;) i miss every one of u. Even those i 'see' everyday at home but dun hv time to spend with. I jus plead with ya'l to b understanding at the moment. Work and studies seems to have gotten a tight hold of my neck. between these two, i seem to hv no time for even myself. this is the first sat since the yr started tt i am actually at home at this hr jus happy to be typing on my lappy and not sitting somewhere doing group assignment and fighting with my grp mates! u dun noe hw gd it feels. i even miss my house! sometimes my schedule gets so tight i feel suffocated.. do i really nd to do this i ask myself.. i know alot of u muz b thinkin..wth i can study n still hv time for ppl..but im STUDYING AND WORKIN at the same time. n my job is one tt requires late nite lesson plan writing, material makin, chart making, progress writing, board material makin n asemblin..its a wonder i havent gotten a papercut frm all the paper ive been cutting n tearing n clourin n writin on n printing on and arranging.. my studies on the other hand requires grp meetings every wkend.. n some weekdays..AFTER class!! argh..assigments.. lesson plans..teaching aids..materials.. presentations..nonsnese..every nonsense u cn think up tt sucks the precious time of ppl ;p haha ok enuf moaning.. haha
the main aim of this post was to say sorry to all the loves of my life.. n beg them to continue loving me and being there coz they get me thru the tough days..

so in light of this..lemme introduce u to a few of the loves of my life..(no pictures due to the respecting privacy-n-wat-n0t issue ;p)

sonks - the gal i practically grew up with.. the bestie frm pri sch! tolerating my nonsense n moods.. understandin even when understanding me seems difficult..providin luv n encouragement.. n choc n calamari;p hehe..gives awesome hugs that calms my soul.. feels at hm in my sty(only person who'se probably seen the sty in its original state so many times).has loooong toes

ali - the best fren who sees thru me n my fake lies n knows wen somethin's nt rite. the one who does nonsense with me.. like walkin in drains.. n nvr lets me forget it.. the one who's prolly had the most sleep-overs with me tt i know her sleeping patterns so well.. i know when i hear tt voice tt she'l b gone in a few mins n i'll still b talkin..the one who fights wit me yet gives me the luv i nd when i nd it..the indian gal in a chinese body ;p hahaha

sara - the luv of my life who's in can!! ..another person who knows when my heart is hurtin n wen its genuinely happy;) the one i can hv serious talks with.. yet in a few secs b laughin hysterically on the floor wit..the sweetheart who can seems to hv a radar for funny situations..a generous heart with a beautiful face..

su - the darlin..some1 im so happy to see everyday..the mentor..friend..gossip buddy..the luv..the sch neighbour..the snr teacher..the darlin.. the one i turn to for advice on silly things like dealin with obnoxious parents.. the one i also turn to for serious advice n talks..the one who provides me wit so much laughter every single day!the one wit the beautiful smiles n words tt warm me rite to my soul..of course nt forgettin..the one with the revolting rhymes!!!=D

serene - another darlin at work.. best fren who looks at me across the cupboards n knows wen i nd some tlc.. the one always drownin wit me durin lesson plan writin n settin up in a hurry.. the one who hears n knows my gossip first! the on the surface ah lian wit a heart of gold..

sher - the hot mama who is always willin to help me out from across the miles.. the best fren i havent seen in YEARS.. n will prolly not see for yrs to come.. the one who left a hole in my heart wen she left.. the beautiful lady who's nw an awesome mother..the one who used to sing me songs whenever i demanded it..the no-nonsense fren who tells it to me like it is..always encouraging and supporting and loving.. even with so many other things on her mind.. the one who always believes..

stardust - the one who while was here listened to all the nonsense i had to talk abt.. hehe the one who seems to be able to tell hw i am juz by hearin my voice..the one tt's definately missed..

these r jus a few.. i seem to be blessed wit beautiful ppl in my life..n these are jus a few! n i know hw lucky i am for tt..

e luvs i miss so much:
jules, lemboooooo,ayu(the idiot..y am i still missin u),glad glad,serene,bangbang,godma,aho,ni,
le,monkey,clown,missy,sharon l,rac

i luv u ALL..u r my blessings...mwuah

hugz, grace

hello ppl!! i know i know havent been here for long..too long! but i was super busy.. still am actually..BUT i'm nt gonna go into tt rite now.. i always do tt anw.. hehe..

anw, CHRISTMAS is AROUND THE CORNNNNNNNNERRRRR!!!!!!! =D i love christmas.. I L.O.V.E it... i love the love in the air.. the sharing and caring and fun times..is tt only in the movies?!!? nah it's in the air somewhere and i can almost feel it!!! i love the hugz and kisses.. i love the tonnes of food and cookies and kuihs.. i love the cards -we all know hw much i love getting stuff in the mail.. u know rite..;p- i love the xmasy shows-tho home alone is getting alil too mundane dun u think- i love the tree.. the old .. no sentimental deco most of it passed down from my grandma:) i love setting up the nativity...holding on to baby jesus juz to put him in on the 25th.. i love the lights..the lights that come up everywhere during this time of the yr.. i love mad last minute shopping.. i love spending time with my loved ones.. i love feeling mushy and weepy and bundled up wit love..i love to hear ppl caroling.. i love singing the songs! i love going to church.. i love getting dressed up.. i love puttin presents under the tree..waiting for ppl to open them.. i love tt my bday always..well most of the time.. falls in the same wk...but most of all i love tt im catholic and tt im celebrating my faith and tt dis special day was when god sent his only son for me.. for u.. for us... ok so now we all know how much i love christmas!! :) i cant wait!!!! tho dis y it seems to be creeping up behind me pretty fast.. only two weeks to go!! did i tell u how i cant wait!!!!!!!!! :)

another day i love.. which is also coming up... MY BDAY!!!:) bday bday bday!!!yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! did EVERYONE hear me?!?! ;p hahaha unfortunately dis yr i have an exam on tt day so i dun think i'l b doing anythin much..actually i dun think i'l b doing anythin at all actually! hw sad id tt!! i know i know..ali sed we muz all grow up and realize tt work n stuff come in the way of these kinda things.. did u say tt ali?!? or was tt someone else?!? i know.. its true..but i cant help it!! i want to spend the day with ppl i love... i want to njoy and makan n talk to them.. i want the hugz!!the hugz!! i want the PRESENTS!!!! ;p i want to b happ and carefree on tt day..the thing i want most of all is jus to spend time with my frenz... if i could have my way the exam would jus disappear! sheesh.. but tt wont happen... so dream tt after my exam.. i'll take tt silly lift tt i dislike!..down and find my frenz all jus waiting for me.. with lotsa flowers.. n presents.. n hugz ;) n tt they'l whisk me off for a fun nite i wont forget.. n together wit them i can celebrate turning 22!!! heheehe like a princess! hehe maybe there'l b a limo.. and lotsa cash.. n balloons and confetti and choc everywhere - its a dream! im permitted to dream big!- but then again reality bites.. and this is prolly wat'l happen ..aft my exam i'l b stressing abt whether i worte the rite info... and i'l come down and come home and slp..and wake up the nxt day and go to work! bleah! so maybe we'l jus meet up for dinner on the nxt day or day aft or somethin ppl? hw abt tt... i dunnoo...

argh! ok anw.. i better get back to the actual reason i turned on the computer! to type out stuff for class.. ohhh ohh it was my mum n dad's anni tdy!! i couldnt do anythin with them coz..yup i had class!! but i wish them all the love in the world..may they always be each other's missing piece.. thank u for havin us ungrateful kids.. we love u dearly and are actually, truly very grateful for all tt u do for us.. here's to many more happy blessed years to come.. wit love u've built this family...love u guyz!! YAY!
nites ppl!

oh yeah one last thing.. di.. i'm here for u hon.. i know im nt always ard..but i'l try my best.. u know u've gt me here no matter wat tho.. and i love u lots.. *huGz* hang in there babe.. we'll mk two yrs go by real fast..love ya

i need a new leaf to turn over. while somehow holdin on to the real me...no point in holdin on to past hurts n stuff in the end the person tt's hurtin the most is you.. came back on sun from batam wit ali!! :) somehow i feel better! redi to try n mk changes..now its the actual changes that i hv to stop procrastinatin on;p haha didi gave me a bk once.. with a frog on its cover i forgot wat its called.. somethin abt not proscrastinatin.. guess what.. its been years n havent gotten past the first pg! haha n i bet didi hasnt either..hehe

batam was adventurous.. we had NOTHIN planned..zilch! we were suppozed to head to KL but after considerin the time and everythin we felt it wasnt worth.. so we headed to batam instead..with no driver, no hotel, no idea of where the shopping malls were even! tho di's ma did her best to help wit the driver problem.. but we had fun tho.. din we baba!?!? jux took everythin as it came.. no real planning... shoppin and nails and lots of makaning...n haggling with taxi drivers..tho ali did most of tt.. and plenty of starin at ppl with confused looks since everyone knows my standard of malay! haha..there was even one driver who grumbled over pricing with ali then gave us a cheaper rate then wat we were askin for.. WHILE claiming that the price we wanted was too cheap.. funny la! haha oh n who in their rite mind can forget diamond shoppin center..or the taxi with the ice effect! haha i had fun ali..thank u so much for tt.. we'l do it again... maybe with abit of planning..at least shopping-wise nxt time ard;p

so anw..time to put me first and make changes that benefits everyone..especially ME! :) i hope dis works! hehe..yay me! hehe






lets find a way...bring me back to ytd..

i'm tired..life basically sux..ppl have bn disappointing..too high expectations on my part?!? nobody's perfect??? even the aboslutely puuurfect..deprived off sleep...puttin in extra hrs..ass due soon..havent started..clearin up dam proj mess..crash.burn..full stop?

i've been tired.. time seems to be runnin faster everytime i feel tt ive finally caught up.. i guess tt's partly my fault..we're nearin the end of the yr n yet i feel like i cant really catch my breath.. yet! so much has happened..if i could turn back time i would.. jus to mk things better..jus to mk things seem rite.. but at the end of the day..who can u really depend on.. who can u really trust...i cant even seem to depend on myself recently much less wish for others to care or understand..somewhere along the way..runnin thru dis yr..i seem to hv lost myself..n i dun really know how to find tt part i seem to hv misplaced.. where's my enthusiasm n happiness n love for practically everyone.. where's my trust n faith n hope... i always believed in the gd in ppl.. in holding on and striving for the best..now i feel like i only seem to see the bad first..why do feel like takin my heels n jus throwin it at every idiot who pisses me off... n tt seems to b practically everyone recently.. why do i feel so lost.. talkin to ppl like sara n alicia..juz talkin or gossiping or chattin.. n i feel better.. like i caught a glimpse of ME.. but somehow aft the phone's put down n the train's brought me hm.. the old me's gone again...or is it only my silly lopsided view...i dunno.. i dunno much these days...

when i was young..young-er i had this habit of jus sitting n watchin ppl sleep..my grandma, my aunt, my mum.. juz watchin n watchin n somehow makin sure they're ok.. i'd watch for the rise and fall of the chest.. or put my finger in front of their nose n feel for air..tryin to do all these without wakin them..n i would jus sit there til i was absolutely sure they were ok...n somehow tt would mk my heart feel better..safer..more secure... there was once i sat n watched my grandma for awhile.. i watched n watched n i jus din 'see' her breathin..and i started to cry...n my heart started poundin n i started shaking her and calling her over n over..n she woke up with a start..bcoz of course she was ok.. it was jus my over-active imagination...over the years i lost the habit..as we all do with silly kiddy things we used to do...once in a while i'd find myself doing it again..like wen i sat n watched sonkey n lemboo slp at the chalet... or held my grandma's hand n wathed her during wat i din know then was her last few days here...wen my lil baby icy was born..juz once in awhile...but recently ive caught myself doin it often.. wachin my mum as she slps...waitin for tt rise n fall.. i've even found myself watchin my lil devils while their sleeping.. n even doing the finger in front of nose test....n as i watch them i can feel myself holdin my breath...heart starting to beat a lil more rapidly...

i seem to b goin a lil mad...madder than i usually am.. but as sara would say.. i've always been mad! ;p...
i dunno where i'm goin wit all this nonsense.. but...
but.. i dunno.. as i said i dunno much these days...

i logged in n all... redi to type to my heart's content..but ...

i'm juz too tired... some other time then.. take care everyone...much love

nites! sweet dreams..

juz to let ya'l know.. i have been and still am mostly uncontactable dis wk as my silly hp has bn sent for servicing as most of u know for the crack tt was inflicted on it... So, anw if u nd to get me juz call me at hm k..:) maybe it's the rite time for the fone to b awaaaaaaay as this wk has proven to b totally hectic and the real fun hasnt even begun yet.. lesson plans to complete.. file to compile..petty cash to track down..assignment due date comin up... materials to magically produce! n of course classes to attend... wedding cards to design..guest book to make...feather pen to buy... sequins beads ribbons... printer ink catridge..crepe paper...glitter..yarn... sheesh!!

ok so anw, call me at home... i'll b back soon..better go n do some research while tryin to write out my lp..take care ppl!

=) nw i feel happier.. at peace..n filled wit laughter! haha.. tt's wat 3...4?!?! hrs on the fone with sara does to me! hehe juz so great to juz talk..abt anythin n everythin... i'm nt sayin dis juz coz she's one of my best frenz... or coz she gave me so much of her time... i juz wanna say thx.. so sara stop tt head of urs frm growin any larger! haha... sara always does this to me... make me feel impt n trusted n needed n loved n interesting-even if im nt;p- juz wen i needed...thank u babe..u bring me home wen i feel so lost...n u understand me wen no one else does... n u make me laugh!! like im psychotic! haha the effects of being with psycho u! i seriously cant wait for mon!!

I LOVE YAAA BABE!!! =) U'RE THE BESTEST! ;p

And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call
she won't forsake me
i'm loving angels instead

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less..

another person feelin like it was all abt her... sigh sharon.. i promise u frm the bottom of my heart it wasnt abt u.. serious.. u r nt the cause of my misery.. u r nt the cause of my distress or so called bad luck-which u seem to think has befallen me, but which i sincerely hope hasnt- u r nt to blame for the bad things coz if tt were the case i think u'd b a wanted criminal by now... so let go of the guilt/anger/hurt/sadness tt I seemed to have somehow caused U.. coz it's nt abt u... wat am i doin to my frenz.. do my words hold such great power.. am i causing all these topsy-turvy words juz by expressing hw i was feeling...

i feel so down.. like part of my hart's missing...like it's so far outta reach i dun even know if i'll ever get it back no matter hw hard i try..eventho frm the start of it all it was mine to begin wit..mayb it's me..huh? waddya think? i'm nt suppose to b feelin dis way.. im outta adolescent secondary school days filled with quarrels wit aisha ;)mayb i nd to stop this runnin n evaluate.. mayb i nd to redecorate my life.. mayb i need to take a holiday! ..mayb i nd to find myself.. i thot i was doing tt.. everythin felt good n rite..tiring but gd..how'd it start going downhill..when? mayb i was wrong... hw is it tt i dis one yr..somehw ive felt tt ive been driftin frm those who were impt..tt somehow ive let them drift frm me.. i nd to do something...anythin

mayb i jus nd awhile to think.. i'l come back better..im sure of it..i hope!..sigh...

to ppl who gv me memories tt hv gone down the drain... u once helped kp my heart's fire burnin
ayu...bambi...
u guyz were the most difficult to lose..i still yearn for u.. so bloody much
ayu fr u my arms r still open..pls find ur way back anytime.. pls

serene...sham..joy..clar..
i wish u'd hold on..

sonkey..baboo..ali..jules..gdma
i WILL hold on
wat wuld life b without u..the realization's comin a lil too close for comfort..

sara..sher...sharon c
Thank U for holdin on to me.. even wen i feel like im going under...

xell..glad glad..yas..leonieee..sharon l..nic..elaine..super N ;p..serene...n all those ive left out.. i do love u...

cheryl...sheryl...sherlyn
i wish i culd find u again....

sigh.. juz gimme some time...

so i wrote somethin which was buggin me.. n three ppl smsed to ask me if it was abt them.. so now ive gt two ppl pissed at me and one really really sorry... wat hv i done! y are they angry at ME?! seriously.. it wasnt aimed at anyone in particular.. i was jus feelin down.. n those i really wanted to hv ard me werent really free and i jus jotted down wat i was feeling.. actually no, who am i kiddin it WAS aimed in a way at someone.. n tt was bambi..it wasnt anyone else..maybe i was in a way writin abt ALL of u..but at the core of it was bambi... the fren who took every single thing in my heart n provided me wit my safe haven frm the start n then juz chucked it all aside.. leavin me feelin lost wit no outlet for my feelings...

i read sonkey's blog..tt hurt.. pissed me off..but hurt more..she's my best fren.. she doesnt even nd to hear me coz she knows me.. so the words hit straight to my heart... so much anger n pain.. all directed at me.. yes i know ive been feelin like she's bn missing frm my life.. n yes i was alil pissed at tt..but did i really deserve all tt?! EVEN if it felt like tt post was abt u...if ur aim was to hurt me, it did babe..so thank u frm the bottom of my cruel heart..

i DID sms u back.. it was a late reply but i did.. maybe u din get it who knows...i know i could have made the first move.. tt i admit was my fault too.. sometimes, especially dis yr it jus seems like we were so far apart n egotistical me was jus waitin to see if u'd ever think of me.. i'm sorry 4 tt.. i din get the heads-up frm ur mum.. in fact u were the one who lemme know of ur situation.. ur mum asked me if i knew abt it only at nite... im not askin u to match up to my so-called new wonderful frens.. frens who i hv no idea where they r coz the only new frenz i hv made recently havent even been nice least they be wonderful..n do u seriously think tt anyone i met, anyone tt i am yet to meet could ever match up to U.. to where U are in my heart.. do u really think so.. i'm sorry I can never match up to the perfect fren.. that i can never be as wonderful as u nd me to be... tt i cant answer every fone call... tt my life bores u.. tt u feel u bore me... i never meant to mk u feel left out.. but did u ever stop to thnk mayb it was our natural human reaction of feeling left out of ur life... wen it's the the three of us i always try n mk both of u feel involved.. n yet both u n babs r saying tt u feel left out.. how abt me.. do i even matter in this equation... i dun wanna say anymore..nt here.. it doesnt feel rite talkin to my screen.. im sorry ive hurt u.. but somehow at this moment i feel like my heart's breakin..so gimme awhile...dun assume im nt replyin on purpose or anythin.. juz gmme awhile..

i love u.. even pain cant go over tt feelin...

make no mistake.. dis post IS 4 u..

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile
When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile
There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and doneKeep me in your heart for awhile
Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams Touch me as I fall into view When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you
keep me in your heart for awhile These wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam Keep me in your heart for awhile